Getting through

Explosion coming up. Please stand by.

Slept through Shabbos again. Seriously--I got up at ten, went back to bed at 1, and then slept until five. That might have been nice--three day weekend and all--but it's not. I dream endlessly, and unpleasantly, try to surface and can't. I get up feeling lousy.

Got a call from a local middle school that wants me to interview. That should be nice, but right now it's not. They won't want me. Or they will want me, and it'll turn out to be another school that wants me because they're so screwed up they can't get any better. (Please don't try to reassure me about this, it's not up for debate in my current emotional state. As far as I'm concerned right this moment I will never get another job. I can't teach, and I can't do anything else. This will not stop me from getting into a nice outfit and selling myself with a big smile. It's just that feeling any optimism feels entirely too dangerous right now. It's a nice school near my house. It could be a very nice thing. If I could get it. But it could also be awful if I don't.)

Wedding planning is making me sad because no matter how much I do, there's always a long, long, long list of things I should have done and haven't, and this is for a small wedding with almost no pomp or circumstance. Sooner or later, someone asks me "So, did you confirm the (appointment, cost, time, etc.) and I usually haven't, and it makes me feel small and frustrated.

I'm out of the house for twelve hours a day, and I'm horrible and stressed at work, angry at the kids, and angry at my coworkers. I had a prescription for my hip pain prescribed which I never picked up because I can't get to a phone at work, and I can't get anywhere after work without getting home past seven thirty, and it's less painful to have hip pain. I lost my keys early this week, I let myself in on Monday night, but now I cannot find them, and now my mother in law-to-be is calling to see if a check she sent arrived, and I DON'T KNOW because I can't get my damn mailbox open, on account of I don't have the keys. My check card was stolen by some unknown person during parent conferences, and I cancelled it, but forgot that my Jazzercise bills were being billed to it, and I haven't got the time or the energy to deal with that, or with the DVDs from the rental place that I left in a tacqueria when I went to get the damn hip prescription.

My ankles hurt. My allergies, which I normally do not have, are acting up. And my keys are still missing. Stories in Newsweek about missing soldiers in Iraq are making me cry. Most everything is making me cry.

I've been off the Paxil for a couple of weeks now, it's entirely out of my system, and, well, maybe that was not the world's best idea. Ya think?

Tonight I will watch Mad TV, and unload the dishes I managed to put in the washer before dinner.

Tomorrow:

Confirm date w/wedding dress lady.
E-mail wedding song ideas to incredibly kind singing friend.
Call middle school, tell them I will come in for interview.
Write invitation text. I get an hour for this. Period.
E-mail invite list to my mom.
Call doctor, ask to make appt to talk about depression meds.
Do some laundry.
Try to find keys. Make copy of Groomra's key if all else fails. Figure out how to get the mail.
Read Anita Diamant for rabbi.
Nothing else. Rest. Try to moisturize my poor heels, which are all messed up.

This is not a good place I'm in. Working on swimming.