Sunday, April 23, 2006

Bat Mitzvah, 2021

OK. This is morbid. But funny.

This morning, the fella and I were hanging out, drinking our respective caffeine (Coke for him, coffee with milk for me), and talking, and I threatened, in my usual loving way, to kill him by head-butting him to death, and he said that in his future he'd always seen a major coronary instead.

So after I got done spitting, and kayne-hore-ing, and calling on Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, and doing several other small rituals to avert catastrophe--it took a while, especially sacrificing the frozen chicken--he agreed to a small coronary instead...I'm spitting onto the deck as I type this...and we somehow got rolling on the idea that it would happen just in time for Jezebel's bat mitzvah.

(Note to new readers, I and the fella have no children yet. Jezebel and Bubba are the names I use on this blog to refer to the ones we wish to have in the future. We will not be naming the kids Jezebel and Bubba. Thank you.)

"I'd like to thank everyone for coming to hear my bat mitzvah drash. I always dreamed I would give this drash from the bimah at B'nei Savlanut, but since DADDY decided to have a coronary, we're having here at Mount Sinai on the third floor instead.

"In my Torah portion, Moshe wonders if he's the best person to lead the Children of Israel. I think that he shouldn't doubt himself so much. He's worked really hard, and besides, God chose him. Also, MOSHE has not had a CORONARY, LIKE MY DADDY, because HE'S eating a healthy diet of manna and lean quail. Back in Egypt, he ate vegetables. This shows that MOSHE is a responsible person who looks after his health..."

The fella liked the scenario so much that he began to promise to fake a second coronary in time for Bubba's bar mitzvah...

"Welcome back to the third floor of Mount Sinai! This feels just like being at home! I'd like to thank everyone for coming, and my friends for throwing soft caramels rather than Jolly Ranchers at my face at point-blank range.

"In my Torah portion we learn about getting animals ready for sacrifice. After you sacrifice the animals, you're supposed to trim off all the fat, and burn it. I think this portion is really relevent to my family, and I want to tell you about what I think it symbolizes..."

We agreed that the third child, Rahab Sue, will be his favorite, and that he will come through for her bat mitzvah.

"Thank you all so much for coming to my bat mitzvah! We finally made it B'nei Savlanut!

In today's Torah portion, Korach and all the people he knows get swallowed up by the earth. In honor of reading this portion, I'm contributing ten percent of my bat mitzvah money to the Earthquake Preparedness Fund of Northern California. Another ten percent is going to Mount Sinai's cardiac ward for making it possible for my Daddy to be here today, and I'd like everyone to say Shehecheyanu in honor of that..."

Honey, I love you. But you gotta start eating some green and leafies.


Naomi Chana said...


Also, I'm thrilled to discover that other people have invented names for their hypothetical offspring. Perhaps someday Jezebel, Bubba, and Rahab Sue will go to the same family therapist as our little Sar Shalom and Trinity (whose Hebrew name will of course be Meshuleshet).

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I need to start planning what kind of health crisis I'll have to disrupt my kids' bar mitzvahs. Lets see, you already got coronary. How about a nice stoke? Some facial drooping, a little drooling- that would embarass the heck out of the little guys!